me and the poe-poe

“The poe-poe” – are you all following me? You know, the officers. The city’s finest. Those that are trained to serve and protect. Those that ott mama gets the strong desire to chat it up with. Mostly and pretty much only when intoxicated I may have had one too many.

Saturday night started out innocently enough. Our beyond-fantabulous sitter came over for one of her infamous parties. (This is what we call babysitting nights. “Hey kids, we are having an (INSERT BABYSITTER’S NAME HERE) party!” What could be more fun? Our kids usually oblige us with some laughter.) We awaited our ride downtown. Yep, we were gonna get crazy stay out past 10 pm and requested a ride downtown with intentions of taking a cab home. While waiting for our ride, the neighbor asked if he was going to see me, um, bottom up in his front yard at 3 am. I swiftly replied, “Entirely possible!”

Stop #1 = one of my very favorite, local Irish pubs. My worlds collide at this place. I have officially drank with neighbors, dignitaries, co-workers and strangers meant to be my friends at this wonderful place of happiness.  Saturday night proved to be no different. I had no expectations for the evening and sometimes those turn out to be the best. We met up with some of Mike’s soccer friends. We were a small group. I learned Summer Shandy was on tap so I was good to go. And boy, I went. We were, of course, amazingly entertaining for our server. No really! Who isn’t horribly entertaining after a keg of Summer Shandy? And I have no one to blame but him. He kept showing up as my glass was almost empty. I can’t say no to a guy that good at his job! I truly believe he liked us. I also believe he has a made up name. I’ve been told a drivers license was produced. I will only believe this after he accepts my Facebook friend request. Yes, I’m now friending my bartenders and should have two or three new friends from the evening.

By the time we settled the tab at Stop #1, it was after midnight. Ok, let’s be honest. I have no concept of time in retelling this story. I do, however, believe it was well after 2 am before I arrived back home (shocking right? Yeh I still got it!) I had no choice or say in the selection of next location.  Suddenly I was walking into THAT bowling alley downtown and purchasing socks (naked feet. remember?) Can you say HELLO good time?! It really was quite entertaining. 10 frames of me either striking 1 pin or all 10. Didn’t seem to matter if I chose the 14 pounder and 8 pounder. And let me just put this out there, if I stole your ball on Saturday evening I apologize and did so innocently. I believe there were others bowling with me. I can not however report back on their scores but I can confidently say that all of their scores were higher than mine.

Then suddenly the lanes closed/went dark/no longer accepted my ball.  What is happening? Is there a storm? Why are the lights going out? For anyone, unlike myself, who has been out past 9 pm lately, knows that when it’s bar time, apparently they shut down the lights in an attempt to get you out of there. I vaguely recall this activity from years ago.

So we were on to stop #3. And where else is a young group like ourselves gonna go?  Yep, the Ranch! Now I’m getting older and I’m smarter than some of you think I am. When I say “the Ranch” I know several of you are picturing me on The Bull. You know it’s one of my favorite things. When we walked in, I saw 2-3 bulls and knew that getting on The Bull probably wasn’t the best idea. (What else do I have to do to prove to you that I can handle 23 Summer Shandy’s? I didn’t get on the bull = still in some kinda right mind.)

What I also saw upon walking in the Ranch were 2 officers. Not 2-3 but 2 of the city’s finest. Who’s been out drinking with me before? Who do I think I need to become BFFs with when out drinking? I get it. It doesn’t make sense. In my super logical mind maybe I think we should become friends at this point in the evening so if we are to meet up later in the night we’ve already got ourselves a pretty strong relationship. Pretty smart, aren’t I?

And let me just say, these 2 young boys were NOT interested in any sorta 2 am relationship with ott mama! I swear I was standing right in front of them. I swear words of kindness were coming out of my mouth. I swear I was nothing but the kind, sweet woman that I am, several beverages into the evening. I swear I heard words coming out of my mouth. I swear I spoke of how proud I was of the super, great work they do for this fantastic city.

Not a smile, not a gesture of recognition that someone was speaking to them. OH NO YOU DIDN’T! I’m talking and getting zero response?! Quickly through my head rushes: how do I tell them to go f’off without getting the handcuffs? I figured all I could do is turn on the sarcasm with a couple of last sentences and drop an f-bomb laden post to Facebook & Twitter. I’m grateful I’m a white woman cause it may not have ended as well as it did had I looked any different than I do.

I get that drunk people are annoying. Hell, I’m annoying sober. But when a girl wants to say goodbye, thank some of the city’s finest, maybe a simple Thank You in response would suffice. Maybe next time, I’ll bring the donuts. Is that how I get you to speak? Do you then chew with your mouth open to piss me off further? So what did I do? I took my aggression out on the dance floor. Yep, me, myself & I got our groove on. And it was fantastic. I haven’t danced like that in a long time.

I believe it was then officially bar time. I believe we then took the world’s curviest roads home (TYLER!!) I believe I was unable to catch up with said babysitter upon arrival home. I believe Easter Brunch yesterday (this year’s theme = hair of the dog!) was one of the roughest in a long time. I believe I owe an apology to my friends at the Brunch for a possible odor and lack of engagement.

I believe the night was absolutely spectacular and will be one we talk about for a long time to come!