does this make me look fat?

We spent 5 hours at a water park yesterday. It’s almost 24 hours later and I believe I’m scarred.  Not from walking on the molten lava, cut up your feet cement. Not from the possible staph and/or e coli. My brain is scarred from what I saw yesterday. And I know in me saying this you are having flashbacks to the last time you were at a water park. Or really any large body of water in the summer.

Now let me say I get we are all different shapes and sizes and I should appreciate all of them. I don’t. Not all of us are a size 4 or a size 12. And I’m scarred because apparently most of us think we are a size 4 and that haute little bikini from Deb is gonna make us look hot.

It does not! Covering it up with cut off jeans and a wife beater 14 sizes too big does not improve your situation.

I have to ask: Do you look in the mirror before you leave where ever it is you came from? How do you think that size you’re wearing is your size? Can you not feel it digging into your, ummm, sides? Why do you think I want to see your gut? And whose boobs are you wearing?

So here’s my deal with water parks. We need a dress code. If the 1st 50 people in the door are wearing inappropriately sized swim suits, then no more. Everyone else in the park for the day (approximately all 589,000) will be required to wear suits that fit and cover up all important body parts.

The honest side of my personality will now admit this will ruin most of the fun I have at water parks. I hate crowds. I hate stupid people. I hate seeing crowds of naked stupid people.  I will also add that I don’t go to the water park to ride the slides. I go to watch people get on inner tubes and laugh my ass off at them. I go to critique “body art” – can’t wait to see some of it again when they are pregnant! I go to guess where people call home. (Stop judging me cause I know you do it too. You also do it airports!)

I talk a lot about all these people in my head. Not much of it is very complimentary. Maybe next time we can go together and share the fun.

My kids however, since they are much nicer, wholesome and well-mannered than I, do enjoy the rides. Both tried to take on the waves. Will mastered a wipeout and H bomb pulled off an amazing Hang 10.

As for me, I’ve got to monitor the open sores on my feet from the burning concrete & will report back with any issues. Like staph or e coli. I also need to figure out what I’m going to wear to the pool tomorrow!

And then you said...

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