i have a lump

For me writing is therapuetic. i don’t keep a personal journal or a diary or like to scrapbook. This is my journal and it is public. I share my experiences, tell my stories and say what I think. Hopefully make you laugh, sometimes really hard, along the way! Others may wonder why I share so much. I always have and I always will. When I tell my story, someone most always says me too and the conversation explodes from there. We are all more alike than different and as I tell my stories I know some of my thoughts are yours as well.

I had my annual exam yesterday. Here’s the part in this story where you’re all like “JEALOUS!” Since we are in a new town, it’s a new doctor and I must say she is by far my favorite in my list of “special lady doctors.” We go over my history, laugh and giggle about all the great changes that happen to a woman’s body. Then it’s put on the paper gown time. So she leaves the room and I sit there. And sit there. And talk to myself. Should I grab a magazine from across the room? How much longer will she be? Maybe I should just grab my phone and see who’s texting me! Nah, she’ll be right in so I’ll just sit here. After the mandatory make them wait in hospital gown for 4 hours she makes her way back in.

And so starts the breast exam. On the left side. We’ve all (at least I pray all of you) have had this experience! Quick feel around the one side and then move on over to the other. Except she’s not moving along. She’s spending some time on the upper, outer part of my left boob (technical term). Then she says those words “have you ever felt this lump before?” I hear myself say no but all I’m thinking is what did she just say?

I’ve been down this road before. My last year in college a fairly sizable lump was found on my right side. I was 6 hours away from home so I went home to figure out what was going. I believe I had an ultrasound but I honestly don’t remember that part. I remember the next part, the needle biopsy. I believe the needle was a mile long. My memory is a little foggy or I’ve blocked it but yeah that needle was about a mile long! The doctor was ready to get liquid outta this mass. No liquid. Which meant it was solid which meant they were going in and getting it out.

This part I remember like it was yesterday. I was awake and they numbed my breast. The doctor was on one side, the nurse on the other. A large light was above my head as I lay flat on my back and they start the procedure. I felt some tugging but no real pain. What I do remember is the doctor wearing a clear shield over his face. A clear shield that reflected the light like a mirror. A mirror that if I looked at the doctor reflected my open breast. I almost passed out and I remember the nurse asking if I wanted a cold compress. Yeh that and the Dr to take off his damn splatter guard. Or you can put me completely under. But this current goat rodeo ain’t working for me. They didn’t do anything different. The rest of this is kinda foggy too. I was wrapped super tight in an ace bandage from armpits to belly button. I couldn’t shower for a couple days and when I could I couldn’t even look at the stitches. YES I’m squimish! Very squimish!

At some point we got the phone call that it was a benign tumor known as a fibroadenoma. Some women get them frequently. Some just have one. I haven’t had one since the last one.

Now there’s a lump in my left breast. I didn’t find it in the shower. I don’t do a regular self exam very often because I’m scared. I know I know! It’s not smart or logical. It’s just honest.

I have a mammogram scheduled for Monday morning. I’ve been getting them regularly for the past few years. But never cause something was felt. The internet tells me that 4 outta 5 lumps are “nothing.” This one will also be nothing.

But until then my head is a little distracted and I’m asking ALL of you to go feel yourselves up in the shower. Even you men!