poke me in the eye

Do you wear contacts? If you do, you are way cooler than me. Please enter the last 24 hours of my life. Hell, let’s go back even further. I went to the eye doctor last week. She informed me I needed a new prescription. THANKS! That’s kinda why I’m here cause I can’t see things.

Since I’ve got subtle blindness, aka astigmatism and need bifocals, I wasn’t sure if I could get contacts. Let’s go back even further. I started wearing glasses at age 4. With bifocals. Between age 4 and Junior High I wore some pretty spectacular frames, including a stellar pair designed by Chris Everett herself. (I guess tennis just wasn’t enough for her and yes I still talk to my therapist about those years!) In Junior High my eyes corrected themselves and I didn’t wear glasses regularly again until a few years ago. (I dabbled with “readers” during those in between years when needed.)

So now back to last week’s appt. The answer to my question on whether I could get contacts was yes. But I had to agree to come in for 30 minutes to be taught how to put them in and take them out and then I would be given a free trial for a month. Those 30 minutes were given from my life yesterday.

Holy sweet jesus! If you ever want to feel like a complete and utter moron, attempt to put in contacts with someone staring at you telling how to do it. DRAMA! I finally get both eyes in but there’s a problem with my right eye. Lesson: soft contacts are weighted and the weight should sit at 6 o’clock. My right eye was stuck between 1 & 2.

After she made me blink 6 gazillion times, the damn thing still wasn’t moving. Shining a light into my eye to check it 72 times didn’t help much either. I needed to see the eye doctor again STAT. Really? Why? Should I be concerned? NO, but I should come in tomorrow.

Ummm, sure I’m just available whenever you need me tomorrow. Nevermind meetings or kids needing picked up and traveling husbands. I’m obviously having major issues with my eye and will be blind in 24 hours so I will come in.

Today, I went in. Holy hell! A 30 minute appointment lasted 2 hours and the only reason I left was cause if I didn’t, I’d have a 7 year old homeless boy getting off the bus. And I’m so not that mom. Sure I’m the mom with the red solo cup at the bus stop, but at least I’m always there!

So yes, I do now have a pair of contacts. Actually 3 contacts. Still two eyes but my left eye was super cooperative and really liked a couple of them. Whore! I’m also pretty sure my eyes are super bruised. (Can you bruise your eyes? I’m pretty sure mine are.)

I had the contacts in for approximately 45 minutes. Yes, they are now out of my eyes and I’m not sure when, if ever, I’m putting them back in. Because of my prescription, the contacts are only for distance. Which makes driving, then checking my text messages, then driving again challenging. (I mean hypothetically, just using that as an example of far-near-far!)

And until I get my new glasses in, I will continue with my daily struggle with blindness. Good thing you don’t really need your eyes. Much!

I’ll apologize in advance, if next time I see you, I just rub your chest to “see” who it is!

7 thoughts on “poke me in the eye

  1. I do wear contacs both eyes,bifocal conacs and have worn them since my mother birthed me I think?? I’m so sorry,but I’m laughing so hard the neighbors may check on me to see if all is well.I understand there is a learning curve,you’re smart you CAN do this. BTW,I understand I may SEE you,you may not SEE me, when you’re visiting Chicago in Feb. so heads up I am the FLAT chested one!!

    1. A couple of things: yes we should be there when you’re “there” and see you. I hope to have new glasses by then so unfortunately, most likely, probably won’t be rubbing your chest. Hoping those I can tell you from Patti 2. I don’t know if I want to learn how to stab my eye. ps – I’m stubborn. 3. New glasses are coming from that great warehouse place known as Costco. And of course I still remember our frame selecting adventure. Cheers!

  2. Oh Aunt Michelle – just read your post – got another laugh! Too funny, Julie!! Loved reading this one – what about those great frames you posted a few days ago? They are HOT. Forget the contacts. Roland is still – honestly – unsure if those are really not your new glasses. He seems to think all US Americans wear glasses about the size of their face…… hmm…. do we???

  3. I wear progressive contacts lenses. Getting used to them is major, but once you do, it’s great. . .unless your eye dries out, or a piece of dirt gets lodged, or you fall asleep with them in, or your eye makeup remover burns them, or you drop them in the sink and rinse them down before you realize you shouldn’t have had that last glass of wine!

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