We need to chat. Yesterday I spent a lot of time with you and some of it was less than desirable. Alright, a lot of it was less than desirable and then some of you were the real kickers.
You went and kicked me right in the face. With your muffin tops. RIGHT. IN. THE. FACE! Ouch! It hurt.
I’m not here to make fun, well maybe a little, cause you’re being ridiculous. I only jest cause I have one of my very own too! All of us do, except that bitch in Whole Foods this am in the yoga pants. But I don’t believe mine kicked you in the face yesterday. You’re welcome.
Here’s a sampling of the kickers:
I do not have photographs of the bruising to my eyes or face after witnessing. Again, not here to make fun. Maybe just here to teach you to put it away. Make there be less of it! Not more.
- Camoflauge it with a different shirt.
- Maybe a turtleneck that doesn’t fit as tight as my latex swimsuit.
- Maybe clothes in a larger size. I do not know if you are a 12 or a 22. All I know is you’re not whatever size you have on your body.
- Maybe not a turtleneck at all. Check out TJMaxx or Target or even WalMart. Plenty of other “top” choices.
- Let’s not tuck the top into the bottom.
- Elastic. Elastic can be a beautiful thing. Go find some. For the bottom.
So for today, let’s work on comfort. Both for you and for me. Next week, we’ll work on the boots, the keys “strapped to something” and the overload of rewards cards hanging from the camera case.
But for today, be gone with the muffin tops. Be gone I say to you! And allow me to enjoy the public again.