the people are real. the cases are real.

(background music: duunnh, dunnh dunnh, dunnnnnn)

You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is Judge Judy.

the judge

And this, this craptastic television, is my newest guilty pleasure. I had NO idea how fantastic this is & what a voyeuristic peek at the real life of the guy standing next to me at WalMart. (Hypothetically, if I were ever to step into a WalMart…)

Okay Ms_______ you claim you met the defendant at a bar. Sorta had a friendly interest in each other.

Yes ma’am.

Did you date?

He asked me to go to lunch with him (nooner!!) And then we started going out. As the week progressed he got into some trouble and that’s where he called me cause he was arrested.

(Judge Judy turns slowly and addresses the defendant:) Assault on a police officer? 

Yes Ma’am.

Nice! 

judge judy the glare

How many arrests have you had?

One

For several offenses?

Yes.

Then when was the DUI?

That was a different arrest.

(Here’s when she glares at him & R.A.N.T.S!) So you’ve been arrested more than once?

judge judy

Yes.

And this is when you, the viewer begin laughing out loud and inside your head you’re all – Go get ’em Judy. She’s got you trapped now buddy, don’t she??!! Cause, you, the viewer, gets that 1+1=2 and that equals more than getting arrested just once. Oh this is gonna be a good one!

SMACK – DOWN!

Some other golden nuggets you’re missing if you’re not watching:

  • I’m neither Dr Phil or Dr Ruth. I don’t care about your sex life.
  • OHHHH, I don’t care why…
  • To the person sitting as the all-knowing, never helpful, witness: Who are you? What do you have to tell me? Put your hand down.
  • Stop shuffling your papers.

And the pen.  She does so much goodness with that damn pen!  Slams repeatedly on her bench, slams against paper/manilla folder/photograph brought to her by Bert the Bailiff. Tappp tappp. NOOOO! NOOO! NOOO! Stop the talking.

judy & the pen

Judge Judy is bad ass. Sometimes I think I’d like her to be my mentor:

Ms. Ott – when’s the last time you had a bowl of this cheddar cheese/carmel popcorn?

Ummm

Don’t say ummmm! Umm is not a day.

Okay, maybe Tuesday.

Ms. Ott – It’s Thursday. Is Tuesday really the last day you had this “popcorn?”

(Before I can even answer, she turns to Bert) Bert – have you ever heard of “popcorn” with flavors like this? Cheddar, carmel? I’m not sure this is even popcorn Bert. (Now back to me with a scowl) This isn’t really even popcorn Ms. Ott, but when’s the REAL last time you had some? Remember, today is Thursday.

No, no, no it wasn’t Tuesday. I had some yesterday.

And what day of the week was yesterday?

It was Wednesday, Judge Judy. It was….Wednesday (as I fall into a fetal heap for having lied to Judge Judy. And myself!)