when the sheriff comes to visit

Dear Mr. Sheriff Deputy that stopped by my house this am:

I feel like I’ve got some ‘xplaining to do re: our encounter(s) this morning. You see, I work from home. I’m an educated, good looking woman that is lucky enough she doesn’t “need” to shower each and everyday. I mean I “need” to, but I’m not around the people so I choose not to most days until late afternoon. Hence me greeting you this morning (11:45 is morning-ish, right?) unexpectedly, I might add, at the door in my nightie and Billy Idol hair-do. (No worries. This wasn’t a special look for you. Again, I didn’t know you were coming and my hair “does this” every morning!) The UPS guy is used to it. I wonder though, if I looked as shocked to you as you did to me and my fine stature this fine morning.

I must say though, you were very kind, albeit direct, in your tone this morning:

Mr. Sheriff Deputy Guy: You drive a Honda Odyssey?

Me: (WHAT? No hello? think quick, don’t say “yes, me and every other hot mom on the street. You need a ride?) Yes!!??

Mr. Sheriff Deputy Guy: Where is that vehicle now, Ma’am?

Me: (ma’am????) My husband has it. (I wonder if he can smell me. He can totally tell I’m not wearing a bra. QUICK, cross your arms Julie!)

Mr. Sheriff Deputy Guy: Can you call your husband? We believe this van was just at Kroger and drove off without paying for gas.

Me: (That dumb #$@#$#$ F#$@#$@#$#. He can’t change a roll of toilet paper and now he’s not paying for gas???) Of course. Let me grab a phone.

Dial up husband

Me: Hi. There’s a sheriff at the door. Where’s the van?

Husband: Ummmm, in the parking lot.

Me: (look at officer, put on speakerphone) Are you sure it’s in the parking lot, cause this fine officer believes you just bought gas and drove off without paying?

Husband: ummmmmm (yammering, yammering) yes. I can see it out the window, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t left the office this morning.

Me: (I have no reason not to trust him. This time.) Officer, it wasn’t us.

The Sheriff and I banter a bit more, and we realize he’s made an error. I give him enough information for him to go elsewhere and solve today’s suburban crime. I shut the door and realize I need to start showering more. And earlier in the day. I obviously look like a criminal answering the door the way that I do.

I decide my crime solving is done for the day, I walk to the kitchen to have lunch and catch up on a show or two. And continue with my normal plan of showering late in the day.

20 MINUTES LATER – KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

Me: (oh my. the UPS/FedEX guy has gotten a much stronger knock!!)

Me: (oh FUCK. Are you kidding? He’s back? I’m still not showered, dude! Open door slowly…) I totally woulda showered if I knew you were coming back!

Mr. Sheriff Deputy Guy: (hahha haaa. this is one crazy, unkempt suburban hot mess!!) Ma’am, do you have a phone number for this person?

Me: (OH MY GOD. HE’S NOW IN MY KITCHEN. ODORS MAY BE WAFTING. WHY DIDN’T I SHOWER THIS MORNING? WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?) Sure, let me check my phone and see if I have any phone numbers for the neighbors.

I give him a couple of phone numbers to try, we chuckle about the situation (situation being the stolen gas. At least that’s what I was laughing at! I was crying on the inside about my personal hygiene. Was he laughing at my smell? I totally bought the pj’s at WalMart, so maybe that’s what he was laughing at. Simple, black “dress” pjs. Those are legit, no?)

And off he went.

I immediately fled upstairs to shower. Two stairs at a time. And received a text message from another neighbor, apparently home from lunch, wondering why the Sheriff is at my house??!!  Ummm, no worries. Just stealing gas, again, and trying to get out of it!

And now here I sit. All clean and ready to go. Smelling pretty. Wearing my werrrhkkout shorts (cause I werhhhkout, a lot. And am pretty fit. Really!!)

Wishing I could have said the same damn thing about 3 hours ago. All clean and ready to go. Before Mr. Sheriff Deputy Guy showed up at my door. TWICE! Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.