i almost died today

This morning started out like any other morning. We woke up, we got ready for camp, I showered, we ate breakfast, we had some coffee, kids went on their way to camp and I buckled down for a hard day at the office.

But having pierced my nose a month ago, there’s a new habit in my morning routine and that’d be swabbing my nose, inside & out, with saline. Keeping it clean. Last week, I noticed a few small bumps near the piercing and after a few productive google searches I learned this is normal, keep up with the saline, thrown in a couple sea salt soaks and on you go.

So on I went. Til this morning. The little, white bumps from last week that had disappeared over the weekend were back. I proceeded to do a quick salt soak. And then checked the results in the mirror.

I could see no stud. There was no sparkle. There was no “is it glitter? does she have a nose piercing?” shine on my nose.

Ummmmm, where the fuck’d it go? Can’t see it, right! I quickly stuck my finger in my nose and could feel the back end and with a gentle shove, I could push the gem “back out through the hole.” But I let go and it disappeared again.

It was time to call in the professionals.  Only problem was the professionals I had do this are in Chicago. I am not. I googled piercing/tattoos in the area, then decided I’d go to the doctor instead.  They are trained professionals, they can prescribe antibiotics, they are not in a shady strip mall in which I am frightened to go alone.

So I called the local Urgent Care, as I couldn’t get into my doctor for 3 days, and proceeded to say:

“I recently got my nose pierced and it’s infected. I’m wondering if that’s something you can help me with?” I also throw in that I’m 39 so she knows I’m an older, educated woman that made a wise decision and not some drunk, 22 year old, irresponsible, crazy chic.

She responds, with a little chuckle “yes, we see that all the time.  Come on in and we can take care of it for you.”

Sweet! I’d found my people and was hopeful they could save it. We wouldn’t need to remove it, we’d clean it up and give me some antibiotics.

I went in. Filled out my paperwork. They took my vitals. They took me to a room. Then the Doctor came in. The Doctor who almost killed me.

He took one look at it and asked if it was still all in. Yes, Mr Doctor. It’s all still in.  Here, let me push the diamond out and you can see it.

Then he asks me, “Well, how do we remove it?”

Let me REPEAT….He (the Doctor) asks me (the educated 39 year old woman, making smart choices) “HOW DO WE REMOVE IT?”

I replied that I didn’t know. At which point he grabs the bottom, inside my nostril with his oversized, obnoxious fingers and says “I wonder if it screws apart” while moving it all around.  How did that feel, you ask??  I can’t answer that because all I saw was the white light and heard the angels talking to me.

He then said “well, let’s see if we can cut it. I’ll be right back.”

The angels were telling me to come closer to the light, but since I have kids, dogs and a husband I decided to stay in the room. It wasn’t my time to go yet. I’m not sure staying was the right choice.

Dr. DumbAss comes back into the room and opens a sterilized bag to pull out cuticle clippers.  Yep, he was gonna cut through the metal bar with CUTICLE CLIPPERS. Yes, CUTICLE CLIPPERS. Since he’s the Medical Professional, I let him attempt cause “they see this all the time.” I’m screaming ouch and say I don’t think this is gonna work.

At this point, he just starts pulling out the bottom with those fingers from hell. I’m moaning and shrieking and if there’d been a moaning and shrieking interpreter in the room, they could tell you what I said was, “are you fuckin kidding me right now you dumb ass stupid ass moronic dumb ass get your super large finger out of my nose and stop fuckin pulling on it!!”

There may have been a couple more f’bombs, but I was still too busy talking to the angels and fascinated by just how bright the light really is!

At this point, he’s pulled it so far through it’s just dangling there but if he touches it any more, my new home will be with the angels. He tells me he’s gonna numb it so will be back in a sec. So there I sit, bleeding, with it hanging mostly out.

He returns. There isn’t much I hate more than needles, but he doesn’t seem to care and comes at me with 2 pricks on the outside of my nose and says he wants to go inside. I’m not sure if you know where your nose is located, but if your eyes are open the NEEDLE IS RIGHT THERE! I ask if I could please lay down and close my eyes. He answers yes. I lay down, and he sticks in the needle 2 more times.

Finally, I can’t feel anything and he tugs 2-3 more times and it’s out. In one full piece. One full piece means he pulled the sparkly, diamond stud piece STRAIGHT THROUGH MY NOSE.

How’d it feel? I’m not really sure as I was numb. Both physically and mentally. I imagine as the numbing wears off I will be a fetal ball crying in some corner of my house. Probably with a bottle of vodka in hand. How does it look now? Like a big, purple pimple. But I’ve got Hello Kitty band aids so can totally cover it and am sure no one will notice!

Do I regret doing it? Hell to the NO! It’s something I really wanted to do and I’m really kinda sad it’s gone. It looked good and fit me perfectly. Me, a 39 year old making smart choices.

The good news? Since super talented, super smart doctor guy was able to get it out in one whole piece, I’ve got something to use when and if I decide to put it back!!

And the really, really good news: 10 days of antibiotics, which brings on fun of it’s very own. Super smart doctor guy also said the hole should heal and all should return to normal. Since everything went so great with him, I’ll totally believe him.

10 thoughts on “i almost died today

  1. Holy crap, I was both laughing and shrinking back in horror reading that. The worst was when the Dr. asked, “How do we remove it?” Think I would have replied, “If I have to answer that, I’m only coughing up half the co-pay.”

  2. Perhaps you should have consulted a group of pierced-nosed teen girls first. They know a lot about a little. But the little they know is about nose ring infections. Oh yeah. And belly button ring infections. You got one of those? And the teens likely would have provided the vodka for free. Sympathy gift. Pour it on and pour it down.
    Glad you got the darned thing out.

  3. Well you got a hilarious post and an intact nose stud out of it! So sorry you had to endure this (though I was cracking up reading about it).
    p.s. This post didn’t show up in my inbox, I found it on Facebook. Barb’s posts don’t show up in my email either. I’m starting to wonder if the problem is on my end.

  4. First time reader and loved it! I could picture this train wreck experience as if I was the one holding the camera!! Although I’m afraid the pictures would have been blurred when I was laughing/crying at the Dr! Love it!

  5. Julie, I’m sorry but I laughed till I cried. Your way of writing brings it all to life. Who knew a little girl from S.P. would turn into such an entertaining writer.

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