how i tried to heal my chapped lips (r rated)

This time of year, my lips go through a very pleasant shedding process. Approximately every 2-3 days. Sometimes it speeds itself up to hourly. One day they are soft and supple, the next day they are hard and crispy.  Super pleasant. For me and everyone in my life.

To deal with this beauty epidemic, I buy up the entire local supply of lip balm, petroleum, all organic, cherry, vanilla, mint, patchouli flavored goodness. It seems to heal me. Then it doesn’t. If you suffer this same annual epidemic, I know you’re with me. One day the Carmex seems to solve all your problems because the Chapstick seems to have stopped working, you can’t find your Bonne Bell and the Blistex you own tastes like ass. You’re eyes are constantly peeled for the next great lip solution.

And then you see it. You find Nirvana. Some funny little egg shaped gadget, apparently filled with lip balm that Jennifer Aniston is using along with her Smart Water. You read it’s one of Oprah’s Favorite Things and you hear the angels singing, the heavens part you see it for yourself. Eos lip balm. This will save all that ails you.

I’ve lifted the following from their site:

lip balm that makes you smile (ME: I bet it does)

Can a lip balm make you smile? We think so. That’s why we invented this one.

  • Long-lasting moisture
  • Shea butter & vitamin E
  • Smoothes on clear
  • New smooth sphere precisely glides on to lips
  • Twist-off top
  • Gluten-free
  • Paraben-free
  • Petrolatum-free
  • Phthalate-free

eos lip balm is 95% organic, 100% natural, and paraben and petrolatum free. Packed with antioxidant-rich vitamin E, soothing shea butter and jojoba oil, eos keeps your lips moist, soft and sensationally smooth.

directions

Twist off top. Pucker up. Smooth on. Smile.

BACK TO ME: Look at that! It’s free of anything that’s going to kill me, it’s 100% natural and keeps my lips moist. Perfect! Except it’s not.

Can we please look at the 4th bullet in the list above? “New smooth sphere precisely glides on to lips” Well, I’m here to tell you it may “glide precisely on my lips” if I “wrap my lips around this larger than it should be petroleum, paraben, gluten, phthalate free BALL of moisture.”

PEOPLE THIS THING IS A BALL. A BALL LARGER THAN YOUR STANDARD CHAPSTICK/CARMEX TUBE. THAT YOU WRAP YOUR LIPS AROUND. IN PUBLIC. TO FIX YOUR CHAPPED LIPS. (Cue the “Brown Chicken, Brown Cow” music)

Can a lip balm make you smile? We think so. That’s why we invented this one.” I bet you do, and I’m sure that’s why you did!

Now, while I strongly considered my first “how-to” vlog demonstrating this “great” new product, it quickly turned into soft porn. I can’t even provide you with pictures. I’m here to warn you: If you’re hypothetically like me, standing in line at Walmart and the eos is staring back at you in the check out lane (here’s why it’s hypothetical, because a cool, suburban woman of my stature would never enter such a large warehouse of cheap convenience dreadful place), do not purchase unless you’re into “lip balm that can make you smile.” Oh, it may make you smile, but only because you’re laughing at yourself. Along with anyone watching you “heal” your chapped lips by wrapping them around a ball of moisture.

(NOTE: Other possible titles for this post included, How Julie Got Her Groove Back)