Wanna Be My Friend?

Rerun: This post originally ran in August 2011 and since that time, the woman featured in this post has become one of my nearest and dearest friends. I’ve even been Coyote Watching in her backyard. And most of the time, I no longer mistake her for a 12 year old girl.

Let’s review what just occurred to me, but first a quick refresher:

I work from home. I’ve let go of most personal hygiene habits anytime before 4pm. My diet is crap and needs improvement. Today, I’ve got several windows open in the house so it’s a bit chilly in here. The window of my office looks out onto the front yard of which anyone needs to pass by on their way to our front door. Also, we’ve recently moved and I’m trying desperately to find new friends. Ideally moms in the neighborhood that like to drink enjoy a mommy’s night now & again, be themselves, trash talk their amazing lives as moms and appear to be just all around good, funny people.

So where to start….It’s about lunch time so I decide I’m going to heat up the leftover lo mien from the fridge. I realize it’s about a week old, ponder whether I’m going to vomit profusely or die upon eating it, but throw it in the microwave regardless. While it’s heating up, I realize I’m a bit chilly so I wrap a blanket around my waist which falls to my feet. Kinda like a towel after a shower except on the lower half of my body. HOTT, right?

I quickly eat the lo mein while standing in the kitchen. Death does not instantly find me, so I decide I’m still hungry and an oversized bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream will do my body good. Hell, I’ve got a blanket wrapped around my lower half so bring it on cold food.

I take my yummy bowl of ice cream and blanket wrapped body on a walk from the kitchen to my office at which time I see a girl walking up my sidewalk with flyers. Oh great, someone leaving something at my door. The girl then knocks to which I think “okay, I’ll grab what she hands me and quickly move on.”

So I proceed to carry my overloaded bowl of ice cream and blanket-wrapped-body to the front door, open it (remember I’ve not showered yet today nor am I wearing a hat or a scarf. Think Billy Idol! To make me even more HOTT, there’s not a bra for miles!)

OH SHIT! YOU’RE NOT A GIRL. YOU’RE THE MOM THAT I’VE MET AT THE POOL A COUPLE OF TIMES & YOU’RE HANDING OUT FLYERS FOR A NEIGHBORHOOD PARTY NEXT WEEKEND & WE ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION!!! FUCK

We started chatting and I start a conversation in my head: Well aren’t you just all cute in your green tank top, short shorts and sleek brown hair! Why can’t I look like this when I haven’t showered? Do you like mint chocolate chip ice cream? Would you like one of my 7 scoops? It’s kinda chilly out here today, want a blanket? I just happen to have one on my body. Sorry, no bra. But there’s a whole pile of dirty ones upstairs so I could go grab them for both of us !!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

During our longer than I expected conversation, which I welcomed but couldn’t stop the voices in my head, I learned her son & my son are part of a shared classroom/team teaching set up at school this year and we are scrimmaging her son’s football team tonight.

AWESOME! I need to go get my ass in the shower as I need to clean up for tonight’s second showing of my HOTT self! Just as soon as I stop laughing.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT JUST HAPPENED? Winning friends and influencing people every damn day! Yeh, ME!