Dear New Neighbors,

Hello, and welcome to the ‘hood!
I wanted to go ahead and introduce myself.  Since it’s been so cold outside, I haven’t had a chance to walk over and with the cloud cover lately, I’ve been lazy as hell. I mean, busy. I’m very, very busy.

For reference, I’m the really good looking lady that lives right behind you. Big house with the brick and the siding. No not that one, the one over here. No, not that one either. Red brick, brown siding. Oh right, that describes may be one too many houses in the ‘hood.

Okay, how about this – I know you’ve seen me letting my dogs out, but you were probably afraid to approach me in my knit cap with the blanket wrapped around my waist. I’m sorry my beauty can be so intimidating sometimes and not very welcoming. And, no, you didn’t move into a trailer park – sorry for any possible confusion caused by my appearance.

It’s just that I work from home and the idea of putting on real clothes any time before 3pm simply doesn’t cross my mind. Sorry about that. Not gonna change. Think of it as a benefit of living near me and you didn’t even have to pay extra. What a view! Don’t worry though cause once it warms up, the knit cap and blanket is replaced with pretty black wife beaters and some fancy, very athletic looking running shorts. Cause I run. I’m a runner.

Okay, no I’m not. I can’t really think of anything worse than slamming my feet repeatedly on the pavement, panting wildly while contemplating death.

So I’ll leave you just with this welcome note for now and the lovely glimpses of me in my hat & blanket. I hope I’m making for good conversation in your home (what the hell did we move in behind?) Once it warms up, we can talk about inviting you over. I truly throw the best summer parties. In my wife beater and “athletic” shorts. If you decide not to come by, it’s okay, too. You’ll be able to hear us from inside your house so it’ll be like you’re there without even having to make an effort.

Yep, another benefit of living near me. Win, win!

So with that, welcome to the neighborhood!

-Julie