The Elusive Tickets to The Ellen Show

There’s not a lot I want in life. A few simple things like tickets to the Ellen show. (And winning the Powerball. Then giving it away from my newly purchased beach house.) See? Simple! But neither one is panning out yet. I can’t seem to get my hands on tickets to the Ellen Show. Which makes me sad, so I’m going to tell you my woes. Therapy by writing, if you will.

Like so many people, I’ve been watching her for years and believe her show keeps getting better and better. I find her a comedic genius, and a generous soul. I’d like to know her in “real” life. I’d like to have coffee with her. I’d like her to secretly talk in my ear while I’m ordering coffee from the Starbucks on the lot.  “DENNIS QUAID IS HERE!” Except I would say “JULIE OTT IS HERE!” but no one would laugh because who is Julie Ott and what movie was she in? Nor am I hiding in her bushes. But I could. And would. If asked. But no one is asking.

As a big fan (think huge, epic, borders on unhealthy), I’ve attempted to get tickets several times. Shockingly enough, all through legal means. It’s a fairly simple process on her website, There’s a tab for tickets. Click on it. There’s a calendar. If tickets are available, the calendar reads “tickets available” for that particular date. If I see tickets available, I click on said date and there’s a very simple form to fill out. I fill out the form. Hit submit. After hitting submit, there’s a message that says “Thank you. You don’t officially have tickets until a producer calls you at least two weeks prior to the show.”

So for two weeks after hitting submit, I sit staring at my phone with sweaty palms waiting for the producer to call. Sometimes my phone rings, oh my god, OH MY GOD!!

Me: Hello??!

Person on other end: Hi, Honey!

Crap. Just the husband. I hang up. This happens repeatedly for a few weeks. Husband is worried about the status of our relationship. I’m worried the producers have obviously lost my phone number!

No phone call = no tickets. I’ve done this 6-7 times over the past 3-4 years. As recently as this week as a matter of fact. No call. No tickets.

The only person I know that’s actually been to the show didn’t go the above route. I believe she was born under a magic tree since this is her Ellen ticket story: This woman grew up with Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe and Ellen are friends. Rob Lowe is still familiar with the ongoings of this woman’s family. This woman’s mom has had some serious health issues and is a huge Ellen fan! Long story short…Rob told Ellen about her. Ellen called this woman’s mom from Rob Lowe’s tennis court. This woman and her mom went to The Ellen Show.

I could not be happier that her and her mom went to the show, but I’m fairly confident Rob Lowe and/or Ellen aren’t going to be calling me, or my mother, from ANYONE’S tennis court anytime soon. (See, here’s me, illustrating I still hold a firm grip on reality!)

And then there’s this – Toward the end of last year, I met a few people from LA. Like I do to all people I meet from LA, I asked them if they know my BFF Ellen? Usually the answer is no, followed by a “is this woman crazy?” giggle. This time the answer was different.

Me: Hi. Nice to meet you. So, do you know my BFF Ellen?

Them: Well, actually…

Me: I’m sorry, WHAT? (giggle giggle. turns into little school girl. what’s happening here? OMG OMG OHHH MY GODDDDD!)

Them: Do you watch her show often?

Me: Do I watch often???! Oh, that’s right. We just met so you have no idea. Yes, you could call me an addict say I watch all the time!

Them: Do you know Dave?

Me: Do I know Dave? Hell ya I know Dave. Again, I watch all the time.

For those of you that don’t know Dave, this is Dave. He’s a grip on the show and Ellen will sometimes have him do something silly in his shorts and fancy work boots.

I learned that Dave was about to get married to someone and that someone works with these people I just met. These people were going to the wedding. Ellen was going to the wedding. (OMG OMG OMG. Is this real life??)  Just listening to them and learning this connection made for the most amazing night (remember, I said simple things are all I want). They were texting with the woman marrying Dave about this crazy woman they’ve just met from one of the fly-over states, that OF COURSE knows who Dave is and might be slightly crazy is a huge Ellen fan. We are all enjoying a lot of laughs and Dave is learning he’s got a fan club of at least one somewhere in the middle of the country!

And then it got better. Some background –

I’m an Ellen underwear wearer. She’s right. They are amazing. I ask for them for Christmas and my birthday. (which is March 2nd BTW. I like the pink ones).

I take a break from the above conversation and head to the bathroom. I sit upon the throne, and OMG OMG OMG, of course I’m wearing a pair of my Ellen underwear. I have a moment of sheer joy about such “luck” all alone in the bathroom (OMG is this real life??!), and must share this with all my new friends. I quickly wash my hands and walk out to show off the elastic Ellen rim of the underwear. Inappropriate, maybe. Best thing ever? Absolutely!! They take a quick pic and text it all the way to California. My face hurts from my huge smile and I can’t believe my luck. Someone finally knows Ellen! And someone who knows Ellen now knows me. They have, In fact, seen the rim of my underwear. Things are starting to happen for me!

Fast forward to today: Ellen still hasn’t called. Dave hasn’t shown up on my doorstep. The calendar request for tickets still isn’t working out for me. The producers must still be looking for my lost phone number. But I’ll keep trying. I may drive the minivan out to California and take up residence in the riffraff room for a month week or two. Who knows? I’m still exploring m’options. One thing I know for sure (sorry, pulled that one from Ellen’s BFF, Oprah) I will somehow, somewhere, someday get my hands on the elusive tickets to go see my BFF Ellen.

Maybe I should call Olivia Munn. She and Ellen recently became BFFs. Maybe they’d take me with them to the Olive Garden. I did grow up in Wisconsin, so someone I know MUST know Aaron Rodgers and he “knows” Olivia and Ellen, AND I own a cheesehead. Maybe this new great idea is my best route…

(Update: I went to the Ellen show. I really, really went. And it was beyond)

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